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Some Guidance From Experts

We are a muslim couple and would like to get marriage but my girl’s parents are not agreed with us. i am working outside india and every time have tension that her parents can marry her with some other guy forcefully. So we both have decided to marry without parents knowledge and will inform them after marriage. Please let me know how can you help me in this situation.

Mohammad Asif

Read the advice / Guidance to this query

Sun, 20/3/11, Vivek Mahajan <> wrote: 

Please Help and Guide

I will introduce myself first then the problems and respective point of view of parties involved. I would request your guidance on the issue.


I am Vivek Mahajan, Hindu, Punjabi, Bania. 28 Years, Chartered Accountant, working with Ernst & Young as a Senior Consultant in Mumbai (Got Relocated from Delhi for Job). Earning good enough. 

Girl is, Rashmi, Hindu, Haryanvi JAAT, 26 years, MBA from a middle level institute, working as Senior Executive HR with a leading Publishing house In Delhi. She is earning  fine.Girl’s parents stay in Chandigarh. 

Details of the case are:

1. We are seeing each other from 1 year now. 

2. My Parents have met the girl, they are happy with her and are ready to go and meet Girls parents once they are invited.

3. Girls mother is convinced, but can’t resist or raise voice against father.

Rashmi's Parents Stand & Problem: 

Girl’s parents are against INTER CASTE Marriage. 

Additional Problem

Her father is lining up guys for her marriage week after week, there is a limit to which she can reject guys and say No To.

Cause of Problem:

1. Haryanvi Jaat are famous for Honour Killings. But, her father says he is not against the idea, and he says "Even after being educated, I don’t consider myself educated since, I am still don’t accept such things."

2. Girls grandparents and Paternal Uncle stay in Village. Girls father says if Rashmi does inter caste then their grandparents and uncle will be outclassed, abolished and abandoned by village. They will be isolated. No one will speak to them. They won’t be  allowed to take water from village and their food will be stopped.

3. Father thinks, if Rashmi does inter caste marriage then no one will marry their first cousins and siblings"Her Mother says we have given you birth,  educated you, now pay us back by getting married to person of our choice in same caste." "We don't care about your happiness for the rest of life, we only care about what PEOPLE WILL SAY."

4. Rashmi's father including younger brother, says they will be subject to peoples laughter are not ready to accept such a move as "What people will say" 

5. Her father consults her grandparents and uncles before any other prospective guy. So is very highly influenced by what they think. There is a lot of Daily emotional black mailing. Her father has threatened suicide if she goes ahead and argues for marriage with me.

Rashmi's Stand

She is confused 

1. At one side: She is not ready to marry any one except me.

2. She feels like dying at times. 

At same time:

1. Rashmi feels her father has done a lot for her, fought against all village and family and sent her to Delhi to study and work.

2. They did not had enough money still they took education loan and educated her to do MBA and get HR JOB in Delhi.

3. She feels if this is what her grandparents and uncle would go through, she better sacrifice our relationship rather than her parents going through so much.She does not know what to do. 

4. Girl has voiced her opinions twice to her father amicably, but her father has not agreed because of Inter Caste.

5. I have visited Girls father, though uninvited and have tried to present my case as how rapidly world has changed, and it is only a matter of couple of years when these things become normal and very common. It was an amicable meeting, but her father showed no positive signs.

My stand:

I am fine with marrying even against their wish, but Rashmi is not in favour of marrying without her parents’ consent.

Solutions thought of: 

1. If she gets Job in Mumbai, at least she will be able to avoid the lineup of guys her father brings up to see. But, the problem is, we have been trying no one is ready to give job to a condidate belonging to Delhi and there are very less HR jobs. We have not been able to find a single job in last 2 months. Rashmi's parents may not allow her to shift to mumbai 

2. Find a mediator:We tried approaching her maternal cousin uncle. He rather than helping had made things worst by proviking her father more.

3. All other proposals get cancelled: Her father is now looking at such guys who don’t even want to meet in private. If some guy says yes, then she will be married next day. There is a lot of tension because of  this. The moment she goes to meet family of > prospective guys that time is torturous.  

We have been able to avoid 3 guys by now. 

A. By meeting 1st Guy in person and behaving as if guy says no

B. By calling 2nd guy and asking him to say no.

C. 3rd by finding faults in guy such as guy was drunkard  But going ahead it is very difficult.

4. Run Away: Rashmi is not in favour of this

Apart from that I am looking for some NGO/ Mediator who can change her parents thought process.

Please help me, If  someone/anyone can help in mediating and can make parents change their thoughts.

Please guide.

Looking desperately for some solution

Kind Regards,

Vivek Mahajan

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